An Actual Thing You Can Buy — Uncrustables by Smucker’s

Oh, wow.  so you’re feeling like a peanut butter & jelly sandwich but you’re too lazy to actually make one yourself?  Or maybe you’re the sort of jackass who overcaters to your child’s every whim, but you’re afraid that one day you won’t be around to cut the crusts off their pb&j?  Non-existent problem solved:

perhaps the state has forbidden you to make sandwiches?
perhaps the state has forbidden you to make sandwiches?

Behold the Uncrustable.  The Uncrustable is exactly what you can’t possibly imagine it could be — a frozen peanut butter & jelly sandwich, fashioned into a circle and, as the name implies, devoid of crust.  I’ll wait while you reread my utterly accurate description.

Still with me?  Then know that the instructions for operating an Uncrustable include “thaw for 30-60 minutes before eating.”  This means that a purportedly convenient frozen sandwich takes 29-59 minutes longer to achieve readiness than just making the damn sandwich.
But let’s say you are that lazy or checked out as a parent.  And that you don’t mind indulging your child’s desire for a world without crust, even though crust is food and you eat the crust because there are starving children in this world that would kill to eat that crust.  How much are you willing to shell out to not have to deal with the maddening confusion of multiple jars and the possible physical strain of spreading?  If you said $2.50 for 4, you’re in luck.
That’s right.  Sixty-two cents per sandwich circle.  And while you’re waiting upwards of an hour for your sandwich to thaw, that sound you hear is the good folks at Smucker’s laughing at you.  This product smacks of a drunken bar bet between marketing execs.  Moms, I’m not saying you’re a bad parent if you take the easy way out with your pb&j, I’m just saying that you’re barely a parent. 
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1 Comment

Filed under Actual Things you Can Buy

One response to “An Actual Thing You Can Buy — Uncrustables by Smucker’s

  1. Pingback: An Actual Thing You Can Buy: Designer Baby Clothes « Stocks, Bonds, and Rock & Roll

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